The Utterly Secret Diary of CoTallest Red
by Zukinn Chan
Summary: ....Just something I penned while trying to get to sleep. From The death of Spork onwards.
1. Spork's death

Hi Guys!  
  
Umm..yeah. This is just a fic I started to write at 11 at night. You know. Like, when your mum's yelling at you to go to sleep. Yup. That's me. I'm weird. So what.  
  
If you like, great!  
  
If you hate, no loss to me. Flame me if you want. Don't care.  
  
Let us begin, shall we?  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _____________________  
  
Data accepted...  
  
Password: Irk rules!!!_014  
  
User name: Invader_Red  
  
Information accepted...begin Data typing!!  
  
~*Entry One*~  
  
Computer...  
  
Today was the grievous death of Tallest Spork.  
  
Our people were mourning his death for many hours. It seems so tragic at the death of Spork, with only a year's space of the death of Miyuki. It is quite possible that the two were the most magnificent Tallests to have ever served the Irken empire.  
  
The cause of death for Spork is still unknown and the perpetrator has still not been found.  
  
It is truly a tragedy and I proudly wiggle my antennae in salute to them both. While not the most perfect of Tallests (Purple and I have heard rumors that the two had felt more than just mutual feelings for each other), while they were in reign, the Irken Empire was at it's greatest heights.  
  
We are all filled with sorrow at Spork's death. Tomorrow we shall decide a new Tallest.  
  
Oh, by the way, I increased around one standard head in height. So did Purple. Very awkward stage we're in. Damn these growth spurts!  
  
Red.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________________  
  
Red: *Blinks*.....well that was fascinating.  
  
Meh: .....YOU'RE writing this you know. It is YOUR recordings of the latest happenings.  
  
Red:....oh....*Long pause*...hey, why in hell have YOU got this information???  
  
Meh:.......Please review all! It gets longer! *Flees*  
  
Zuki. 


	2. The assigning of the new Tallest

Meh: OMG!! Someone actually read this!  
  
Red: *Rolls eyes*....Will there be more this time?  
  
Meh: Yup!  
  
Red: Yay! Lazers!  
  
Meh: ...Oh yeah, one thing...*Looks pointedly at Red*  
  
Red: Ah....*Hold up sign that says "Zuki don't own anyone. All belong to Johnen Vasquez!"*...Tis' very true. Uh huh. *Nods head*  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ ___________________  
  
~*Entry Two*~  
  
Computer...  
  
Guess what!!! Today was the assigining of the newest Tallest, and all the Irkens that could made it were invited.  
  
I got up early, as is expected for an invader, and went down the chute for the loading docks, where I met up with Purple. He informed me that we were all expected to be there, on Conventia, In the Great Hall, in exactly half an hour.  
  
Myself, Purple and all those other Irkens (Including that idiot Zim), boarded our spaceships and ordered our SIRS to gear the ships up. My SIR Immeadiately warmed the ship up (I have a standard Spittle Runner), and I took control of it, Pioloting my way to Conventia. I reached there with a few minutes to spare, so I jumped out and ordered my SIR to guard the ship.  
  
I eventually met up with Pur as I walked down the hallway to the Great Hall (Now THAT makes sence). He was complaining about a sharp pain in his forehead, which I ignored until I recieved it too. We tried to supress the pain as we entered the Great Hall.  
  
Every Irken that you could possibly imagine was gathered there, as this was a MAJOR event. This nervous looking advisor walked up to the front of the stage and called for the Irkens to be quiet. He then gave this longwinded speech about how great Spork was which I won't bother repeating here. Then a Control Brain stepped...I mean, Floated up and emitted a scan over the crowd. It singled out Invader Scortch, one of the Elder Invaders, who was clearly the Tallest of all of us. I had never liked Scortch. He seemed too much like a snob. Scortch happily ran up, and the Advisor congradulated him, saying that Scortch would have to go through a ceremony before becoming Tallest.  
  
Suddenly, The pain in my, (And I'm guessing Purple's too) forehead stopped. We breathed out a sigh of relief and suddenly winced again as we felt our skeletal structure elongate. Once we opened our eyes again, I noticed that my Invader Garb had shrunk devastaingly (Quite embrassing). Then I came to the conclusion that Purple and I had hit another growth spurt. We looked at eachother, speechless, and then noticed all of the other Irkens, who were all staring at us.  
  
The Advisor murmured something and kicked Scortch off the stage and then announced that there was a change in plans, and that the newest Tallest was: Two Tallests!: Purple and Red! All the Irkens cheered and we were both led off by the Advisors and Control Brains. I shall write more after my ceremony.  
  
Red.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ ___________________  
  
Red: *Blinks* Yay! I'm Tallest!  
  
Meh: Nooooo...you share Co-Tallest status.  
  
Red: Well that sucks.  
  
Meh: Yes...It does...  
  
Red: *Grits Teeth*.....R&R Please! 


	3. Tallest Ceremony

Red: *Pops Up* Hiya!  
  
Meh: *Blinks* Hello.  
  
Red:...Soooo.....how's this Chapter coming along?  
  
Meh:...good. My longest yet.  
  
Red: Wonderful! *Pats Zuki on the back*  
  
Meh:...yay. -_-...oh yes, thanks for all the reveiws guys! I really appreciate it!  
  
Red: Reviews! Wonderful! *Holds up sign that says "Zuki owns no-one! Yay!"*  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________________  
  
~*Entry Three*~  
  
Computer... Purple and I went through the ceremony. Firstly, Three Control Brains and about Five of the Advisors led us both to a small chamber. There, the Advisors bade us stretch out, firstly, our left hand. The Control Brains then produced a severing blade, and quickly (And may I add, painfully), removed our middle finger. They then severed the other hand's middle finger. This is an age-old tradition that is to give the impression the Tallests are capable of ruling thier underlings with only two fingers.  
  
The advisors then looked uncomfortable and one asked me to come with him. I had a well educated guess and reluctantly followed him. I won't repeat what happened, but I will say that it was *Very* painful. He then led me back to where Pur and the others were waiting. Purple looked at me questioningly, but I studiously ignored him.  
  
The next part to the Ceremony was our recievement of armor. We firstly recieved our Gravitiy Belts, which would cause hovering to be enabled. I had often wondered why these were needed, but I soon found out. The belts disfigured our waists badly, and as that happened, the belt spanned out and covered all of my now longer-than-normal waist. It seems to have some sort of pocket system. Neat.  
  
Then came the Armor for the Torso, which kinda fits around your upper body and clasps shut at the front. It also joins to the Gravity Belt. Gloves of some sort that rather resemble over-large Marshmellows were given to cover the hands, and those clasp at the back. They fasten tightly around the wrist, and leave your two claws poking out.  
  
The lower Robes/Armor, whatever you wish to call them, Simply fasten at the Gravity Belt.  
  
The final stage is that of PAK modification. The Brains insert thier Cables in the side of the standard PAK and add necessary information, and take away unecessary things. I felt my Spider Legs drain away. Apparently they are not necessary for a Tallest.  
  
Once this was finished, I nearly buckled over from the resounding wieght of the PAK, added on to the immense weight of the Armor. It is compleatly unbearable! I felt my waist and back slunch over as a result. I guess my skeletal structure is not as strong anymore. I looked at Purple who seemed to have done the same. The Control Brains and the Advisors then hailed us and announced over the speakers that Invaders Purple and Red were now to be known and hailed as Tallests Purple and Red.  
  
The Advisors then suggested that we sleep the weight of the Armor off, and so they led us to our new sleeping chambers. I look at myself now. I look very different. It fills me with mixed feelings. I don't know what to think.  
  
Red.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________________  
  
Red:...I remember that...god...  
  
Meh:...mmmm...yes....R&R please! And thanks all again! 


	4. A MASSIVE Tour

Zuki: YAY!!! I've finally updated!  
  
Red: *Looks around* FINALLY!  
  
Zuki: Exciting, yes?  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________________  
  
~*Entry Four*~  
  
Computer...  
  
Today I went through every invader's dream: having total control of the MASSIVE. I got up today at the standard time expected for an Invader, but my *Personal* advisor was waiting by the door and bade me sleep in. Hey, like I would complain!  
  
The position of Tallest is truely the best status in Irken society. Anyway, I was woken up a while later by the Advisors, because they wanted us to give the MASSIVE a compleate observational checkup, considering it is now basically Purple and I's personal ship.  
  
I got up and found that, although I had gotten used to the weight overnight, my internal back supporting muscles have weakened, and I am eternally crippled this way. No big loss, I guess.  
  
The advisors led me to where Purple was waiting. It seems he is the same way. The advisors then continued to show us around. It is quite interesting to see all the Irkens who where once my betters, now stopping their buisiness and saluting. Purple and I were shown the many various rooms, including the Birthing Facility (Which, may I add, was put into a total system freeze because of that stupid Zim), The Data Research Facility, The Main Deck, The Data Recieval Room and the Fuel Tank report scale room. Considering these tanks are inactive now, Purple and I made the others fill them with snacks.  
  
I like being Tallest. They respect you now. I'm sure it would be much better without Purple, but he is a friend, and I shouldn't be thinking like that. Anyway, All we had to do was send and receive messages from the remaining Invaders That's not hard actually. All we have to do is sit around and eat snacks while we wait for the Message channelers to transfer messages. A disgruntled Scortch sent in to say the his resumed Invasion was going well, and he probably wouldn't even need the Armarda to come and finish the job. Fine with me. For all I care, that little Idiot can get himself killed. That turns my thoughts to Zim. I wonder if he's blown up Devastis yet. No matter.  
  
I'll report in later.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________________  
  
Zuki: Whee!  
  
Red: *Looks around* Oh yeah....ZUKI NO OWN ZIM!  
  
Zuki: Yup. And you guys, could you give me an idea what to write about, cause' I've got a lot of sufficient stuff to write about, but I need to fill in the BIG gap between the First attempted Operation Impending Doom, and Operation Impending Doom II. Soooo...can youse help out? Thankies,  
  
De Zukkster. 


	5. A Very short entry

Zuki: :P Ello everybodies!  
  
Red: *Puts clawed hand up* Hello!  
  
Zuki: ME NO OWN ZIM! Yosh!  
  
Red: Yup. Welcome to the second shortest chapter in the existence of Zuki's mind.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ ___________________  
  
~*Entry Five*~  
  
Computer... Apparently Purple and I are to host the next "Great Assigning". In two days. Nothing like being told in advance, huh? Hey, It's true, There's NOTHING LIKE IT.  
  
Sorry, been a bit sarcastic lately. Purple's starting to be a real pain in the ass. I think his intelligence level has dropped. Maybe his PAK got waterlogged or something.  
  
Senior Invaders Vee and Iriyan have finished their conquering missions on Planets Terra and X, and Scortch has also reported in. Shame...he'll be back soon. Purple says that if he bothers me so, we should vaporize him. After all, We are Tallest now. I will do that.  
  
Oh, guess what. Zim managed to blow half the power in Devastis. I guess I wasn't that far off.  
  
Oh well, All the Invaders have finished their missions, and the "Great Assigning" will recruit new Invaders. That shall be good. I'll record more after the assigning, Okay?  
  
Tallest Red.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ ___________________  
  
Zuki: That was....very short!  
  
Red: Yes. Please tell me the next entry is longer.  
  
Zuki: Oh, it is a bit.  
  
Red: That's encouraging. 


	6. Operation Impending Doom One! Yay!

Zuki: Hiiiiiiiiiii!  
  
Red: Erm...yeeeah....Hi!  
  
Zuki: Me no own Zim! (And why would I want to own Zim?! Bleeeargh!)  
  
Red: -_o You have big-Time issues with Zim.  
  
Zuki: *Eye twitches* Yesssss....  
  
Red:o_O Moving on...  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _______________  
  
~*Entry Six*~  
  
Computer...  
  
Total disaster! "Operation Impending Doom" (Cool name, huh?) went underway quite smoothly, to start off with...  
  
The new Irkens that had undergone the correct training and were worthy of becoming invaders gathered around, and the rest of the Irkens who could make it came too to veiw this momentous occasion.  
  
Anyway, everything was fine. Purple and I made some dumb speech and then started the Assigning.  
  
Guess what? Zim showed up, piloting a Frontline Battle Mech. Errm...did it occur to the Idiot that he was...maybe just being a...little...Destructive to IRK?!  
  
All I remember was Purple and I drawing a Circle in the dirt, and asking Zim to "Guard" that area in the Empire's Finest Hour. Then we got him to stand in there. After all, we were "Depending" on him. See, Purple and I agreed that Zim would surely screw up the whole plans for the event, and we were right, he did.  
  
Anyway, Total Chaos. At the end of Zim's chaotic massacre, theSurviving Guards got a hold of him and he was tried then and there by Control Brains #1 and #2. While the trialing was readying, Zim escaped and came back pioloting one of those Crab-formated Tanks we've got, going "I'M AN INVADER! LOOKIT ME GO!WOO!!".  
  
He was eventually overpowered, and banished as a Fry cook to FoodCourtia.  
  
The Next "Great Assigning" will take place NEXT year. And Zim shall NOT know. That way, that Stupid Irken will keep his meddling, Psychotic hands out of Irk's affairs. He really is a threat to Irk society. Zim blows up everything he touches. Someday, I'm gunna put him on trial, and the Brains shall surely spell out Defective. And that, will be one of the happiest moments of my life. I'm going now. I'm hungry. ____________________________________________________________________________ ___________________ Zuki: -o- and WHO did you say had a problem with Zim? Red:...I just pointed out that YOU had a problem with Zim. I didn't rule myself out. Zuki: Oh fine. Keep them reviews coming peoples! (And if you can Spare the time, Take a look at Invader Kat's fanfiction) 


	7. Very little at all

Zuki: Hey guys...again!  
  
Red: Zuki no own Zim!  
  
Zuki: *Sadly* No...  
  
Red: ?? Eh?...Oh...-_-...humans.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ ____  
  
~*Entry Seven*~  
  
Computer...  
  
Nothing much happened today. Purple and I had to inspect the Birthing Facility and make sure it was up to scratch. It was. It's hard to believe that I was one of those Pre-born Smeets in the Test-Tube archives. I heard that Smeets are supposed to be created by Mixing the DNA traits of previous Irkens. I wonder what traits from which Irkens I iherited?  
  
Oh yeah, Some female message reciever looked at Purple in a funny way. "Oh, what is an Irken to do? Oh!" Yeah...anyway, Purple had her vaporised. It's the safest move. Some Irkens would disagree with our ways and hostility, but, well, screw them! We're tallest now, and, as long as we bear in the rules, we can do whatever we want!  
  
Oh, and one last thing. Apparently the Advisors keep ALL the Data on every Tallest that come in to reign. That freaks me out! What if some Irken comes prying in years later and finds your personal files? It just sounds totally freaky.  
  
Hmm...I must go and ask the Advisors or the Brains about it...  
  
____________________________________________________________________________  
  
Zuki: *Yawn* No witty comment.  
  
Red: Meh neither. 


	8. The shortest chapter in existance!

Zuki: Hey guys.  
  
Red: Hi.  
  
Zuki: Now, I type...  
  
~*Entry Eight*~   
  
Computer...  
  
Nothing much to report today.  
  
Huh. The life of a Tallest can be a real drag sometimes.  
  
Got really pissed at the Advsisors because they were leaking out personal things about me.  
  
How could they even dare?! I launched them into the sun. They should be burning to a crisp right now.   
  
The brains got all "How could you?!" at me, so I had them disconnected. Purple says I'm being a jackass. Like I care. I'm Tallest, I can do what I want. The Brains are being modified so they shall be more 'Functioning'. New advisors are being recruited now. Thank god. The MASSIVE is going fine. Life is good.  
  
On a different note, Zim is doomed to a life as a Fry Cook as I write! Success! As I have said earlier, It would be more of a success if he had been completely vaporised. Or had his PAK destroyed. Or gotten shot out the air lock. Or something like that...  
  
Red.  
  
Zuki: Well SOMEONES pissed today!  
  
Red: *Blinks* That was...VERY short!  
  
Zuki: I know. Thankfully, this is the shortest existing chapter, so there won't be any shorter ones.  
  
Red: Better not be. Zuki owns no one bei de way. 


	9. About Exservice drones

Zuki: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!  
  
Red: Oh god, she's so embarassing.  
  
Zuki: Awww...really? Y'a think so?  
  
Red: *Vein pop* YES!  
  
Zuki: Goodo! ^-^  
  
Red: -_-;  
  
Zuki: Anyways, you know the drill. I don't own Zim. And if you guys were wondering, the Irken in this entry that Red is referring to is Kat. Look her up when you're done reading this stupendously wonderful story, she goes by the name of Invader Kat1 I belive. I also strongly suggest you see her story the Irken trilogy (It's got me, Zukinn, in it! Yayzies!). Anyways, enough crud from me, on to the story!  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________________  
  
~*Entry ten*~  
  
Computer...  
  
Hey, guess what?  
  
Apparently that little Service Drone Girl from my old Invader Training group has grown....MUCH taller. In fact, she's even taller than my personal Advisors (My new ones). Of course, she's not as tall as me. The only other equal to me in height and superiority is Purple.  
  
I suppose since the girl's tall enough now, I should appoint her to some Goverment Space or something. She'll be happy to be pulled out of her current status now, I guess.  
  
Ha! Pur can't say I'm a complete and total Tyrant anymore. Like HE can talk anyway. So what if I sent my personal advisors into the sun, and had the Control Brains modified? I have new Advisors now, and the Brains are re- programmed as well. What ARE they complaining about? Everything's FINE now.  
  
I'll send that hopeless Message Chaneller Dude to go and tell her. I don't feel like talking to her right now.  
  
I have a splitting headache. I think I'll go and lie down.  
  
Did you know that you need the key and the personal password to gain acess to your own chambers? Not saying what mine is. Pur's is his Irken code.  
  
Anyways, Kudos!  
  
Tallest Red.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________________  
  
Zuki: YAY! Well, that's all guys! Wasn't it FASCINATING?!  
  
Red: Yeah...  
  
Zuki: R & R all, Pweeeeeeease! ^-0 


	10. Problems with Exservice drones

Zuki: HIIII!!!!  
  
Red: I don't know her. At all.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________________  
  
~*Entry Eleven*~  
  
Computer...  
  
I compleatly loathe and DESPISE all Irkens with the Alias "KAT" now!!!  
  
The lack of Respect that I so rightly deserve is appauling!!  
  
That little Purple-eyed Bitch insulted Pur and I to the highest degree possible. I nearly ground my back multi-linked teeth away.  
  
The little Slut-Like Bitch was INGRATEFUL for me even CONSIDERING to be kind enough to place her in a higher position.  
  
Not my fault the girl was such a short-Ass when the invaders were being chosen.  
  
The guards had to restrain us. Kinda embarassing. Must have them destroyed.  
  
Anyway, took her to be tortured. By the time we had reached the chamber where she was to be tortured, I had the very over powering intention to shove the Bitch's Spider-legs down her throat, damaging her organs badly. I decided against it though. That would dirty the Spider-legs, which could be used for a much more deserving Invader.  
  
Anyway, Cut long story short, It took approximately 8 hours before Pur and I gave up, and the Bitch still showed no signs of breaking.  
  
Only one thing for it. Pur and I had her sent to work as a message channeller. Any objectives and she would be vaporized immeadiately.  
  
So, now She's working there. With a strong spirit such as her's, she would of probably been sent to serve us personally, but because of the incident, she's just channelling messages. Bitch.  
  
Hope she Fucking dies in some horrible way. If it were not for the fact that the Empire now respects her, I'd have her killed.  
  
Ah well. I'm gonna go and try to relax.  
  
I'll write in later.  
  
Tallest Red  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________________  
  
Zuki: I don't own Zim! Kay? And that's all I can think of guys. Give me all your ideas, I need to fill in some time till the next assigning when things get more like, I know what's been happening and all. So PLEASE R&R and tell me what to write! Otherwise, I'll have to do one of those lame "Some time later" things, and I want to get the time accurate. Thankies! 


End file.
